Surviving in an Idol Game CH - 59
With less than a week left until the third team stage, there wasn't much time to spare.
"Please tell me."
And once the third stage is over, preparation for the finals will begin immediately, so if there's any time to spare, it's now.
"What are the lost memories, and how can I recover them?"
However, Kwon Doha, who was dragged into the supply room during break time, didn't seem to think so and appeared indifferent.
"I must have spoken out of turn. There's no need to worry about that."
I anticipated he wouldn't easily divulge the information. But this time, I wasn't planning to let it go.
"I think it's too late for that. It's really bothering me."
Kwon Doha sighed, seemingly reading my determination to get to the bottom of this.
"How about you practice instead of wasting time on this?"
"I can sleep less. You know that, right?"
By leveraging the characteristics of game addiction, I could trick my body into not feeling tired. Since when had the needle stopped on the yellow mark?
We both knew that I was already practicing more than others. It was clear he still didn't want to tell me.
Until now, I had accepted his evasions, but I couldn't just keep watching him slip away forever.
"I think I told you to use it moderately."
"Why was that… I can't remember well. If you tell me, I'll think about it."
Kwon Doha never explained the reason.
Though it wasn't a long time, it was enough to understand that he would continue to keep his mouth shut unless pushed. It was time to reveal our true intentions.
"…Even if I explain everything, it'll only tire you out."
His voice, dry as he tried to evade the question again, asked if it wouldn't be cleaner to just share the necessary information at the necessary time.
"Will it bother you if I know?"
"The saying 'ignorance is bliss' exists for a reason."
"But there's also a saying that 'knowledge is power.'"
"Do you know Pandora's box?"
"I know it's a box that will eventually be opened."
"Then, delay it as long as possible."
"No, I think I need to open it now."
Dying and waking up to find a system, dreaming of becoming an idol—though I was just following the clearly suggested path, it wasn't without questions.
A system that holds life and death, faces that seem both familiar and different. A photo of a mother, who warmly hugged me with a face and touch I didn’t recognize, and memories said to be lost.
There were too many things bothering me. Even my own willingness to adapt to this situation without resistance.
Kwon Doha, who had been watching my face from across, sighed lightly and asked,
"What exactly do you want to know?"
"First, what do you mean by the memories you mentioned? Memories from before I was 19?"
As I asked, I checked Kwon Doha's face. His expression, unreadable, was strangely peaceful.
"Or, memories of a failed future? No, I should say a previous round?"
Within the repeated time Kwon Doha experienced, there was certainly a 'me' that I couldn't remember. Whatever the conditions to end Kwon Doha's loop were, they must have failed. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have come back, and he wouldn’t have that empty, burnt-out look.
Seeing Kwon Doha's expression crack at the mention of failure confirmed my prediction.
[Life -1], a failure penalty imposed by the system. Kwon Doha might have witnessed countless failures I couldn't remember.
I had been curious about what happens if you lose a life here after thinking I was dead and becoming a game character. Now I had a clue.
"Do you know how to recover memories from previous rounds?"
"…No, I don't. What I do know is that sometimes you remember everything from the beginning, and sometimes you don't remember anything until the end."
From Kwon Doha's words, I focused on something else. The end.
"By the end, you mean my death, right?"
"Eunhee."
When I asked confidently, Kwon Doha's expression distorted.
"No matter how many times you've experienced it, you can't feel nothing."
His voice, slowly enunciating each word, carried a sentiment that it would be better if that were the case.
"Rather than getting used to it, accumulating memories only becomes an unbearable burden."
With that, Kwon Doha's shoulders sank heavily in silence. I watched him closely. Was he worried?
"Did I struggle a lot because of the memories?"
Kwon Doha, who had said he'd experienced me remembering, stared at me.
"It doesn't end with just being scared of alleyways at night."
His words made the weight of the memories he spoke of clearer.
Remembering death isn't exactly good for mental health. Even now, with a single memory of death, I could vividly recall the sound of bones shattering between a car and a wall.
I stared at Kwon Doha. The burden of memories must be the same for him.
"Don't you resent me?"
"…."
If his loop revolves around my death, implying the failure of a mission….
In the silent supply room, the sudden question left a heavy silence. Leaning against the desk, Kwon Doha's expression sank deeply. As I watched his unreadable face, I organized my thoughts. Didn't he need someone to resent?
"You once said I got caught up in this, so it's okay to blame myself if I need to."
As if reading my thoughts, Kwon Doha's expression turned cold, recalling the past.
"It's best not to say things you can't take responsibility for."
Barely hidden beneath the surface, his eyes held a clear anger. Seeing this, I became even more determined to recover my memories.
***
Contrary to Kwon Doha's words that sometimes I remembered everything from the beginning and sometimes I didn’t until the end, I had been recalling unfamiliar memories recently, mostly while sleeping.
"…!"
Gasping, feeling like my lungs were filled with water, I woke up suddenly. I had turned off the danger detection signal to avoid waking up midway, but my body, waking up drenched in cold sweat, seemed to have other ideas.
In the dim blue light of dawn, I wiped my sweat-drenched face. I needed to wash up. As I got up, a low, calm voice called from across the room.
"You're awake?"
Despite the early hour, the voice was devoid of any sleepiness, and I saw Han Sangjin sitting on the opposite bed when I turned my head.
"You woke up early."
Reflexively pulling the blanket up and checking my condition, I was a mess. Clenching my damp hands, Han Sangjin nodded and stepped out.
"…."
I quietly went to the bathroom and tidied up. My sweat-soaked hair and pale face looked back at me in the mirror. With a hint of bluish tint like a corpse, I warmed up under the hot water. The warm steam brought some life back to my reflection.
After the quick shower and drying my hair, Han Sangjin handed me a cup when I came out to the living room.
It was a hot tea. Han Sangjin didn’t say anything while I drank it. Just as I was wondering how to explain, he said,
"Shall we go for a run?"
With Yu Minseong declaring he would skip the morning workout for three days, it was just the two of us heading to the field. It had been a while since I worked out with Han Sangjin due to busy schedules.
"Ha."
Stretching properly, I started running. The cool breeze filled my lungs. Increasing my pace gradually, I saw Han Sangjin matching my speed.
I felt like running without restraint, so I ran a few extra laps compared to usual. The cold air slowly receded as the sun rose, and Han Sangjin kept pace without any questions.
Finishing the morning exercise a bit late, we ate breakfast and headed to the practice room. On the way to separate practice rooms, Han Sangjin patted my back before walking away. I understood why other participants liked him.
Just as my tension eased, an incident happened.
"Yu Minseong!"
With only three days left until the third team stage, Yu Minseong collapsed during practice, his face pale. Carrying him to the infirmary on my back, I found out he fainted from low blood pressure, sleep deprivation, and dehydration.
The doctor, experienced with idol trainees collapsing during intense practice, diagnosed him quickly. After entrusting him to the infirmary, I returned to the practice room and gave my waiting teammates water.
"What did they say?"
"It's vasovagal syncope."
A common diagnosis for overworked idols who were sleep-deprived and stressed. Kim Sungmin nodded, having heard it before, while Han Minhyeok looked concerned.
"There's no medication for that, right?"
Proper rest and nutrition were the solution, but it was hard in a survival program. Yu Minseong, facing elimination, was even more desperate.
With the intense atmosphere, it wasn't surprising that someone collapsed. I just didn’t expect it to be from our team.
During a short break, I handed out glucose candies from the infirmary. Han Minhyeok, crunching his candy immediately, spoke up.
"Guys, health is your asset. You need to take care of it while you're young. It lasts into the future."
"Stop talking like an old man."
Han Minhyeok clicked his tongue at Song Ahseong's scolding, insisting he was too young to understand. Still, he offered Song Ahseong a thermos of bellflower root tea, showing his concern.
As Song Ahseong drank the tea, despite disliking it, it was clear he valued Han Minhyeok's care.
"Do you want some, Eunhee? Bellflower root is good for your throat."
Taking the tea Han Minhyeok offered, I returned to the practice room. At the time, I had no idea that bellflower root tea would soon become my favorite.
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